ADK – Articles



Dr. Knowitall may not “technically” “be” a “doctor”, and while he doesn’t have time to research the answers to your questions, he does have time to write lengthy answers that come “from the gut”.  With that much emotion behind them, you know these answers must be right! If you don’t find what you need, feel free to ASK HIM ANYTHING! 

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ADK – How To Train a Snake

Dear Incredibly Handsome Mr. Knowitall,

I’m thinking of getting a pet snake. Do you have any advice?


Snakes are rare, and intriguing creatures. Found only on one continent, they are prized for their fine pelts, and winning personalities. There are three basic kinds of snakes that the beginning snake collector should consider. Try to think about which kind fits your lifestyle and needs the best. First, there are the pathetic, lame, wimpy ones. These are the kind that no one really wants. They don’t have poison, and can hardly kill anything. The only type of people who would want this kind of a snake would be infants, and possibly really old people. I’m not certain of this; I’ve never talked to any really old people so I can’t be sure.

The second kind are the really cool ones you see in movies such as King Kong, and… Well, that’s the only one I can think of right now. These are like having your own personal monster. They can crush pretty much anything; even cars and most types of buses. And they have enough poison to kill eleven strong men. (And about 13 women.) (And maybe 40 small dogs.) (And if my math is correct: 9,347 sparrows)

The third kind are Basilisks. I don’t recommend these, as one glance from them turns you to stone.

So now that you’ve decided which kind you want, (The cool poisonous viper) you will need to know how to handle them. There are 3 things you need to know about the personality of venomous snakes:

  1. They are smarter than we give them credit for. About as smart as High School graduate who was home-schooled in a log cabin in Alaska.
  2. They love getting their faces rubbed. It soothes them.
  3. They are always less afraid of you than you are of them.

Understanding the inner workings of your snake is the key to training, and enjoying your pet. Also: to become the Reigning World Champion Snake Charmer. The first thing you need to do is to show them the respect they deserve. This is the only way you can build the necessary trusting relationship. Snakes need to feel loved and needed. They need to feel like they are the only thing you think about night and day. Learn their ‘Love Language’. For some snakes it is touch. Just a simple caress or poke in the eye when you get home from work will make them feel special and loved. Others want you to clean the house for them. They might think that you don’t care about the relationship unless you are on your knees scrubbing the toilets incessantly. Some just need serious talk time. They want to hear all about your day, who said what, and what you are thinking about. And they HATE it when you say, “Nothing.”. They know you were thinking something!

Building this ‘Trust Bond’ takes time. It varies based on the family of snake. The deadly cobra takes about a year, the venomous rattle-snake requires two years, and the perilous sea snake can take up to five years. (Because the water-to-air density discrepancy mitigates Trust like you wouldn’t believe!)

Once you have achieved the Trust Bond you will be well on your way to victory in the World Champion Snake Charmer competition which is held every 13 years on a skull-shaped, volcanic island just north of Fiji.

With the following knowledge, you can train your snake to do things you may not have ever imagined in your wildest dreams. (You know, the one where you are piloting some kind of giant, inflatable emu through a canyon full of cheese spaceships that keep shooting at your emu, and you have to peck them away before it pops, but your brother just shows up out of nowhere and keeps hitting you with an electrified shovel, and you’re like, “Stop it! I have to keep the cheese away!”, then it turns out it’s not even your brother, but some kind of robot powered by psychic energy?) Well, here are some of the things that you can train your snake to do that are sure to impress the judges at the World Champion Snake Charmer competition:

  1. Teach it to bite its tail and go rigid, then hula-hoop with it.
  2. Unscrew a hard-to-reach lightbulb with its jaw.
  3. Snakes can sing if they are inspired.
  4. They can jump through flaming hoops. But that is so overdone. Train your snake to jump through a time portal.
  5. Teach it to drive a car. Of course not a stick shift!
  6. Since snakes are cold-blooded, you can freeze them and throw them like spears.
  7. Get your snake to wrap around a skull, like through the eye sockets and stuff. That looks RAD!
  8. If your snake is an electric eel, teach it to zap the other snakes during the race.
  9. Coil it up in a spring and slink it down stairs.
  10. With enough practice, your snake can breathe fire and shoot lasers out of its eyes. A diet of jalapeños will give it fire breath. And of course, Velveeta or American cheese will produce laser beam eyes.

Believe it or not, some people don’t care about being the World Champion Snake Charmer. Even if you are one of these losers, and don’t compete, you can still have a successful and rewarding relationship with your snake. Personally, I find you below contempt, and not even worthy of my time. It’s because of people like you that famine and suffering exist in this world. You are the cogs in the machinery of human degradation and abasement. You are the muse of all things base and vulgar. You are the reason that J.F.K. was assassinated.

So while it is true that you are a waste of skin, I guess I’ll still leave you with these valuable ‘general care’ tips for pet snakes:

  1. Always grab your venomous snake by the tip of its tail.
  2. Poisonous snakes love surprises. Try to startle it as often as possible.
  3. If you have enough faith, you can get bitten an infinite amount of times by your deadly snake. But if you are an unbeliever, try to limit it to a couple times a day.
  4. Like fish and sexy female assassins, snakes absorb oxygen through their scales. So don’t keep them in their knitted sweaters for more than a few hours a day.
  5. When walking your snake, keep an eye out for eagles. They are the sworn enemy of snakes and will attack without provocation. Always bring Eagle Spray with you.
  6. There is something very important that you should never do with your snake, but I can’t remember it. Drat!

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ADK – How to Grow a Bonsai Tree

Dearest Doctor,

I’ve been wanting to grow a Bonsai tree, but I’m afraid I don’t know how.  Any advice?


The word “Bonsai” originally comes from the Greek words ‘Bon’, and ‘Sai’.  Bon is clearly short for ‘Bone’, and ‘Sai’ is a weapon that was created in feudal Japan during the reign of the Samurai and Ninja clans.  In Greek culture, when you combine two words, you simply ignore one of them.  (In this case ‘Sai’, since it’s a Japanese word that they didn’t know anyway.)  This leaves the word ‘Bone’ as the sole descriptor for these cute little trees.  Why they are named after a bone is a closely guarded secret of the Yakuza gangsters in Tokyo.

It was once believed that Bonsai Trees were the product of wise, little, wrinkly Japanese men who spent countless hours caring for these plants.  But Science has recently proven that Bonsai are no different than any other kind of tree.  It is simply a matter of treating the plants with little-to-no respect.  One might be led to believe that simply ignoring ones plant would suffice, but this is not the case.  Years of research with those little sticky electrode things have shown that trees often misinterpret being ignored as disinterest, rather than malice directed at them.  This is why so many trees become so very large.  It is a widely known fact that the redwood forests of California were largely ignored for hundreds, if not thousands of years; and the results are plain to see.  Massive, self-confidant woods as far as the eyes can see.  Regal and pompous, they snub their noses at nature, arrogantly growing so high that children dare not climb them.  These are trees that have forgotten their place.  The Bonsai tree knows its place, and that is its appeal.

So how does one grow a Bonsai tree?  It’s actually very intuitive.  Much like child rearing, it’s important to establish dominance early.  From the first day the seed is in the pot, you need to start a strict regimen of daily verbal abuse.  Remember, the point is to keep your plant so debilitated with self-loathing and bitterness that its twisted, pain wracked heart will manifest itself in a beautiful, miniature, graceful form.  If you miss even one day of slanderous hatred, it could defy you and break the 2 foot mark.  Should this occur, a machete whack to the top several inches should do the trick.  Here are some helpful phrases for berating your tree culled from the minds of master Bonsai growers:


  1. You are a worthless plant.
  2. You’ll never amount to anything.
  3. Shame.  Shaaaaaame on YOU!
  4. I never wanted you.  You were an accident!
  5. You stupid, pathetic MORON!
  6. I hate you and everything you stand for.
  7. Don’t take this personally, but you are a horrible tree.
  8. Why can’t you be more like the Joneses tree?
  9. Never give up!  Just kidding.  Give up!



So now you have a cute little tree.  What to do with it?  Here are some of the most popular activities that the owners of Bonsai trees take part in.


  1. Pose your G.I. Joe action figures around them and take pictures.
  2. Use the plant to dust hard to reach surfaces
  3. Give them away as party favors
  4. Sometimes, during hide-and-seek, you can get all of your body hidden behind the couch… but just your foot is sticking out.  Use the Bonsai to cover it.
  5. If you have a little yard, put it in the far corner and tell people it’s a full-size tree.  They will think that your yard is really, really big.
  6. Lighting  your Bonsai on fire creates a pleasant ‘burning tree’ aroma
  7. If you ever get stabbed by a Morgul blade, chew some Bonsai leaves and dress the wound with the paste.  It will slow the poison until you can get to Rivendell.
  8. Bonsai make beautiful fish tank decorations.  (And you won’t have to worry about watering it either.)
  9. Replace your current hood ornament



One last word of caution before you make the decision to grow a Bonsai.  Many Bonsai trees will become increasingly temperamental, and sometimes even dangerous as they get older.  It is recommended that you put them down before they hurt anyone.  Or alternately, you can take them out to the woods and leave them there.  But don’t forget to cry while it stares at you plaintively.  It will help if you tell it that you don’t love it any more, and that this is its home.  No matter how much it whines, you must leave it behind for its own good.



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ADK – Ask

Got a burning question that a simple google search could never answer?  The “Doctor” is “in”!  Leave a comment below and then sit and wait at your computer until Dr. Knowitall finds the time to answer it with a long, rambling article filled with lists.

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Ask Dr. Knowitall



Dr. Knowitall may not “technically” “be” a “doctor”, and while he doesn’t have time to research the answers to your questions, he does have time to write lengthy answers that come “from the gut”.  With that much emotion behind them, you know these answers must be right! If you don’t find what you need, feel free to ASK HIM ANYTHING! 

If you’re on a computer, links to the library of incredible insight are in the sidebar to your right.

If you’re on a mobile device, find the wisdom of the ages below. 

Read More